LIVING WITH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
Really this is long overdue, but I haven't felt like I've been able to say it up until now. Even as I write it my hands are clammy and my heart is racing. It's hard for me to talk about for three reasons. Firstly because I'm a very private person, I don't like people knowing things about me. Reading that it seems somewhat ridiculous that I write a blog, but it's true. Secondly, I had no idea how I felt or what I was thinking so I didn't understand how I was supposed to tell anyone when I didn't know myself. And thirdly, honestly I was embarrassed about it. I felt like I was a failure and that by asking for help I was weak. *
It's hard to understand depression unless you've actually suffered from it. It's hard to explain what it's like to someone who has been lucky enough to never have experienced it. I can't put into words how devastatingly crushing it is. For two years now every single day of my life has been plagued by it. For the most part I was able to pretend I was okay, in fact I became skilled in doing so. I went out with my friends, I laughed, I made the effort to pretend that everything was okay because I thought that was the only way I could get through it. But over the last six months it became absolutely incapacitating. Returning to university after the Christmas break I found myself unable to do normal things. Because of my anxiety, I stopped leaving the house. Then eventually I stopped getting out of bed. I didn't attend university for the second half of the year, and now I'm left with 12 days to decide if I want to carry on to my third year and I'm still unsure whether or not I can bring myself to go back.
Along with anxiety, which I suffered from as long as I can remember, it's made my life hell. Thanks to pretty extreme anxiety, I have bad panic attacks. I can't answer the phone or the door. I can't leave the house alone. Although it doesn't seem logical to be scared of those things, it's real for me. I've stopped doing things that I love, and now I have absolutely no interests. It's completely shattered my life.
The past year in particular has been the worst of my life. I've never been in a darker place. I've went through times where I've wanted nothing more than to die, and times where I very nearly went through with it. I've cut myself on countless occasions. I've been left with physical and mental scars that will never go away completely.
The thing I've found most difficult is explaining to people. As I said, I'm a private person and telling people was hard for me. Some were understanding, others were not. The thing I found most upsetting was being told to 'snap out of it' or 'pull myself together' like it was a choice to feel like this. It's heartbreaking to build up the courage to share with someone something so private for them to brush it off like it's nothing. People seem to think it's something you can turn on and off as you please, like one day you decided to wake up and be depressed. Another thing that I found was people didn't understand how I could be depressed. I was actually told that I was lying because 'I didn't have anything to be depressed about'. But that's the thing about depression, it can affect you whatever your age, race or gender. You could be the richest person in the world or the poorest. It doesn't matter who you are, depression doesn't discriminate.
After the death of Robin Williams (RIP) people began talking more and more about depression, and I think it's because of that I decided I was somewhat ready to write this. Seeing so many people so upset and showing how much they loved him was touching. Depression can be lonely, I know that from experience, and most of the time you feel like you're completely alone. It doesn't take long to check to make sure your friends and family are okay, and to let them know that you love them and that you're there if they ever need to talk. Something as simple as that can save someones life, I know it did for me. Although Robin's death has raised a massive awareness and got people talking about it, it's also showed how ignorant some people still are towards mental health. Some of the comments on news articles and on twitter have been absolutely horrifying, people saying he had no reason to be depressed or he was selfish or a coward. People need to be more understanding of this illness, and really that's the point I'm writing this. I don't want sympathy, I don't want people to fuss over me. But I do want people to know they're not alone, and I figured if by writing this even one person gets help then I'll have done something worthwhile with my life.
You don't ever have to feel like you're alone because you're not, and if you ever need someone to talk to but feel like you can't tell people you're close to, I'm always available if you need me.
*It came to my attention that I completely forgot to add that I went to my doctor almost exactly a year ago now. It can be hard to explain to someone you barely know how you feel, it can be a horrible and nerve wracking experience. I found it easier to write some points down at home while I was calm, and took them with me so when I began to panic and choke up I could reorganise my thoughts and make it a little easier on myself. I was offered therapy and counselling which I took, and finished last month. I found that although they helped a little bit it really wasn't for me and I felt like I barely made progress. I've been referred to another department, and I start with that on the 19th of August. I still have to regularly visit my doctor, and it's became somewhat complicated as I decided to move doctors a few months ago (I felt the doctor I had wasn't particularly understanding and to be honest, she was kind of mean to me and belittled me). I have been offered medication but decided that I wasn't ready to try it yet, I know that seems silly to some and mostly it's because I'm not prepared to be that dependent on a medication. Please don't lecture me on this as I've heard it enough from my parents/doctor/councilor already.
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